“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Just got to our Airbnb!
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.