When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.