what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Expect the unexporcupine.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[on my way back to the posting caves]
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.