If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.