[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
LMAO
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.