Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You Might Also Like
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Nothing to do, you say?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I love art.