Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Coffee is ready.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry