I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*