Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.