6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Any refunds available?…