[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.