Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
You Might Also Like
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around