OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
You Might Also Like
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Eat…
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE