Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
#SCOTUS one-star review
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings