I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?