I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.