[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.