It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me irl
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.