Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.