I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Monica just destroyed the internet
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
liiiiiiiiike
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”