[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.