*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.