rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds