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me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.