Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My wife gives the best headache.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?