How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
How do dragons blow out candles?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.