boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.