The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
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I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”