You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.