Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
🤣
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
scares
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”