So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Perfection.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.