I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Just ordered me some pizza!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me