I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.