When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.