10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second