I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Donkey Kong sommelier
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon