Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
This classic never gets old . . .
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all