*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You Might Also Like
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Oh deer
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When you’re here for the treats.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Try and stop me.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.