People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
So, can we agree on 4 or
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go