Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.