Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
hi why am I like this
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally