Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Traveler’s camo
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
That was easy.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.