Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
You Might Also Like
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry