99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”