I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
You Might Also Like
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.