I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
this isn’t threatening at all
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Running from your problems is cardio .
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.