The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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sir, my pâté if you please
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.