common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I have never related to a cat more
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
the three branches of government
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People