Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”