What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.